Throughout both of my pregnancies I feared miscarriage. I tried to commit myself to not entertaining such fears— I tried not to let them prevent me from falling in love. But in the back of my mind the fears were always there. I feared the loss and I feared the sadness but even more than […]
Baby Peace
The doctor tells me I’m good to go– no more tests or appointments until my first ultrasound. But I’m skeptical. Should I request more blood draws? Should I keep a stock of pregnancy tests to take every now and then just to be sure things are still okay– just to be sure the baby’s still […]
When Mama is Sick
Two months ago I couldn’t hand my baby off to anyone. I couldn’t even put him in the car seat without him wailing. He wanted me by his side or holding him near constantly. And I obliged him because I could. For whatever reason, he needed me extraordinarily then, and that was just that. Mama […]
Why Home Videos Make Us Cry (And Why They Don’t Need To)
Yesterday my husband and I were trying to fix my computer and, in the process, stumbled upon a slideshow of home videos. We were sucked in. And as always seems to happen with home videos, they roused within me that deep longing feeling, that pervasive, aching bittersweetness. And as always, I asked myself why? I […]
Regarding Baby
I’ve always had a hard time praying. I’ve been told: just talk to God. Talk about your day, your likes, your dislikes, your feelings. He wants to know all of that, so tell him! This always bothered me. Not that I didn’t believe God wanted to know all that. But simply because it made no […]
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