Throughout both of my pregnancies I feared miscarriage. I tried to commit myself to not entertaining such fears— I tried not to let them prevent me from falling in love. But in the back of my mind the fears were always there. I feared the loss and I feared the sadness but even more than […]
Baby Peace
The doctor tells me I’m good to go– no more tests or appointments until my first ultrasound. But I’m skeptical. Should I request more blood draws? Should I keep a stock of pregnancy tests to take every now and then just to be sure things are still okay– just to be sure the baby’s still […]
When Mama is Sick
Two months ago I couldn’t hand my baby off to anyone. I couldn’t even put him in the car seat without him wailing. He wanted me by his side or holding him near constantly. And I obliged him because I could. For whatever reason, he needed me extraordinarily then, and that was just that. Mama […]
Why Home Videos Make Us Cry (And Why They Don’t Need To)
Yesterday my husband and I were trying to fix my computer and, in the process, stumbled upon a slideshow of home videos. We were sucked in. And as always seems to happen with home videos, they roused within me that deep longing feeling, that pervasive, aching bittersweetness. And as always, I asked myself why? I […]
How Babies Steal Your Freedom, And Why That’s Okay
If you’re a twenty-something (maybe even a thirty-something) you’re probably being told to wait as long as possible before having children. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t wait—there are so many important factors that go into family planning—but I want to address one of the main reasons that scares so many of […]
Embracing the King of Prussia and Other Chaos
Ever since I’ve had music on my computer I’ve had very detailed playlists. I have playlists for every season, for various holidays. I have driving playlists, sad playlists, hyper playlists, mellow playlists. When it was necessary, I didn’t have just one breakup playlist, but three. A breakup playlist for wallowing. A breakup playlist for being […]